I am grateful for my strength. My strength has helped me when I was alone and had nobody to lean on and my strength has allowed me to keep it together for my family…..when I really didn’t think I could.
But as grateful as I am today for my strength, today my strength is weighing me down. I know it is my strength which creates this air of not needing others and it is my strength that causes my family to think I am not in need of their hugs and acts of affection…… they give the affection I covet to those in more need within the family; that is not me, for I am strong. At times this causes such sorrow and pain within me, but then I remember it is because they think I am the strong one, there are others who need their attention, I have to remember they do not do this to be mean or hurtful, they do it because it is who I have made them think I am. At first it always hurts, it is my demon to handle, sometimes I can and at other times; well it is just too much to bear and I have to leave.
It seems that this is my doing and no matter how much I say to them that I am not that strong, that I bleed too……they don’t believe me. I have done such a good job at being the strong one that they believe that is all there is to me. I know this is not absolutely true, I know that deep down they love me just as much as any other, but it is hard at times to accept that. I see other people living the life I fought for years to have and it hurts.
But…..I am grateful for them and I am grateful for my strength. It is this very strength that will, and does, get me through these feelings when they come.
And above all else I know that I fought so hard to give them the life they all now have. And for that…I am grateful and would be the strong one all over again! We make sacrifices in life, that at the end of the day, are so worth it.